


can we skip past near death clichés (oh god i want to feel again)

by Swiftly



Series: the way she shows me i'm hers and she's mine [3]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, fluff fluff fluff, sin sin sin, that's the way I roll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 10:34:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7044865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swiftly/pseuds/Swiftly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Laura sighed. She knew, on some level, that Carmilla was encouraging her recklessness just to make sure she didn't slip back into the grey place. But the smile on Carmilla's face was infectious, and the affection in her eyes was heartbreaking. The good kind of heartbreaking, though. Laura could probably manage that kind right now. She swallowed, and placed her hand on the door knob. </i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The library adventures continue. Mysterious rooms are found. Plans for the future are made.</p>
            </blockquote>





	can we skip past near death clichés (oh god i want to feel again)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to monicaoakwood.tumblr.com for beta-ing! If there's a sudden jump in quality, they're the reason...
> 
> Come and yell at me at gayravenclaw.tumblr.com- I'm accepting prompts if anyone's interested!

Laura was embarrassingly aware of how bouncy her stride was. She practically skipped down the aisle of shelves with Carmilla in tow, blankets long since forgotten back where they had sat. Or in Laura's case, knelt. Speaking of which, she was also embarrassingly aware that she needed to wash and change her clothes, _stat_.

Carmilla didn't seem to care. She had a relaxed, almost dreamy expression on her face, and if she minded being pulled along by an overexcited journalism student then she didn't let it show. Their fingers were linked together, and every now and then Laura could feel a cool thumb stroke the back of her hand. Even that small demonstration of affection sent tingles up to her shoulder. God, it all just felt so _right_.

She couldn't help but occasionally pause, drawing the vampire in to give her a gentle peck on the cheek, or bring their faces close in an Eskimo kiss. As such, their progress back to the camp was slow. Once or twice, Laura even caught herself pointing out random books on the shelves so that they would stop and examine "how cool it is, Carm!". 

Admittedly, the books often did have glowing symbols on them, or occasionally teeth, but Laura knew the real reason for her own stalling. 

Laura’s true motives became clear when they reached the outskirts of the little base, glowing lights welcoming them back. Laura clutched Carmilla's hand tightly, suddenly terrified that she would let go when they reached Lafontaine again. Rationally, she knew that she could probably just hold it again any time she wanted, but the thought of letting go, after everything that had happened between made alarms scream inside her already noisy head. Carmilla seemed to understand, though. She squeezed Laura's hand back, and brought it up to her lips for a moment to kiss her knuckles. When Laura looked her in the eye, she winked, and stepped closer, wrapping an arm around her waist. Laura relaxed into Carmilla’s side. At least they were on the same page, it seemed.

Laf was still typing when they turned the corner . The set-up was rather simple- where two rows of bookshelves met the wall , they had set up a table and chair with an old computer monitor on it, and left a few threadbare blankets around for sleeping on . They had originally been spaced quite far apart, but now that Laura's were left off in the stacks, she supposed she would just have to share with Carmilla. The corner of her mouth quirked- what a tragedy. 

"I see you two made it up, then." 

Laf's voice cut through Laura's pleasant mood. They sounded... well, they sounded pretty pissed. Laura frowned; she couldn't remember doing anything, and she hadn't been gone for that long...

Carmilla seemed equally confused, her brow furrowed deeply. There was anger in her voice when she spoke, too. 

"We just came to see if you happened to have any bandages lying about the place. No need to get your briefs in a bunch, Frankenstein." 

Laf turned around, and yep, Laura's good mood was definitely ruined. They were angry, but it was a cold anger, the kind that made people talk quietly instead of yelling. Laura honestly thought that that was worse.

"Well maybe you should have been here, trying to _help our friends_ , instead of eating face out in the stacks. Literally, by the looks of Laura's neck."

"Hey," Laura piped up. "Laf, we were just-"

"No! God, Laura, just... just leave it, okay? Go make out with your hot vampire girlfriend. I'm going to be doing something _useful_ ." 

Laf glared at both of them before turning back to the monitor and began typing furiously.

Laura's eyes were stinging, and her stomach felt leaden. Was Laf right? She was so, so tired, and she had only been gone for a little while, and okay, maybe she shouldn't have-  
Her train of thought was interrupted by Carmilla's arm squeezing her closer against her side, and when Laura looked up at her face she could see her jaw was clenched tightly. Laura was slightly unsettled by the murderous look in her eye. She knew that Carmilla wouldn't attack Laf... at least not physically. Feelings were probably fair game, and Carmilla's tongue was just as sharp as her teeth. 

"Laura," Carmilla said stiffly. "Let's get out here. I think it's clear your little friend is busy."

Well, sometimes it was. She was showing a curious amount of restraint. Laura nodded wordlessly, still befuddled by the complete change of atmosphere. She let Carmilla lead her off into the stacks again, in a different direction this time, as she replayed the last minute or so in her head over and over, trying to figure out where she had gone wrong.

The euphoria she had felt just beforehand had evaporated. Now, she just felt sick.

She could feel it starting again, the grey fuzziness that had clogged her brain ever since they had fled into the library , and already the sounds of her own breathing and footsteps seemed to be fading into the numbness. She could barely feel Carmilla's arm around her. The shelves passed in a blur.

Laf _was_ right. She was being selfish. Stupid, selfish little Laura who couldn't see further than the end of her own nose. It was the reason they were in this situation in the first place, that Danny was dead and Mattie was dead and-

"Hey," Carmilla's voice broke through the voice in her head that had been solemnly tallying up every mistake she had made. "Hey, Laura, look at me."

She did. She was surprised to see that they were in a part of the library she didn't recognise. Carmilla was standing in front of her, hands running soothingly up and down Laura's arms.

"Where are we?" 

Even to her own ears, her voice sounded small and pathetic.

Carmilla shrugged, keeping her hands moving. "A little way away. Thirty minutes, maybe? You spaced out on me a little there. Are you... are you okay?"  
It was Laura's turn to shrug, ducking her head so that a curtain of hair hid her face. She tried not to look at Carmilla's gentle eyes. She had been reminded that she did not deserve such gentleness. "Does it matter? Laf's right, I should have-"

The breath was knocked out of her suddenly by a crushing hug, Carmilla's arms wrapping tight around her. After a moment of hesitation, Laura reciprocated, albeit a little more gingerly. Carmilla seemed to gather herself before she spoke. 

"Forget about them," she said. "They're wrong. You've been trying so hard, for so long... I think it's time you got a little break, don't you?"

Her voice was teasing by the end, and Laura couldn't help but smile into her shoulder, breathing deeply as if to memorise the way Carmilla smelled, even after so many days trapped in a library . The greyness was receding from her mind, melted away by the warmth of the girl holding her. It had often mystified her, the way Carmilla seemed so warm, hot even, despite having no heartbeat to speak of. When she had asked, Carmilla had just wiggled her eyebrows and answered _do you spend a lot of time thinking about how hot I am?_ Which had led to not much talking being done for quite a while. Even when she was annoying as hell, Laura couldn't resist her.

Although Carmilla seemed content to just stand there and stroke Laura's back for the foreseeable future, Laura slowly disentangled herself. She pressed a kiss to Carmilla's cheek, before turning away to look around.

"Why did we stop here, anyway?" She asked, spinning slowly on the spot to try and take in their surroundings. 

There was a sign labelling what section of the shelves they were in, but it had worn away to almost nothing, leaving only the suggestion of the word _cthonic_ , which in Laura's experience never boded well. The wall on their right was made of a dark stone, and a faded poster reminded them cheerfully that Silas Library was to remain a "Cannibalism Free Zone!". As Laura looked around, she could hear Carmilla walk over to the wall and resume her natural slumped position.

"Seemed as good a place as any," Carmilla said. "Besides, there's something of an intriguing door over there; I know what a fan you are of intriguing doors..."

Laura grimaced. Open a door in the Robespierre Building that lead to an alternate, seemingly meringue-based universe _one time_ , and nobody ever lets you forget about it...

Although, the door Carmilla had pointed out around fifty yards ahead of them did look like the better class of intriguing door. It was unassuming enough, but there was a plaque next to it that Laura was itching to read, and a soft blue light seemed to be emanating through the keyhole from under the door itself.

Looking over her shoulder to grin at Carmilla, Laura walked towards it.

It really said something about the university, Laura decided, that she was surprised that she could reach the door at all. Space didn't magically extend before her, she didn't find herself shrinking, and when she traced her fingers over the warm wood, nothing burst into flames.

So far, so good.

Carmilla sauntered up behind her, resting her chin on Laura's shoulder.

"Qo'riqxona." She said

"Bless you."

Laura could practically _feel_ Carmilla roll her eyes.

It's on the plaque, smartass." Carmilla said, pinching Laura's hip.

"Huh. Any idea what it means?"

"Do you just assume that I'm fluent in every language we come across?"

"Well, you usually kinda are..."

"So you take advantage of your defenceless genius of a girlfriend. Despicable. And people think you're the cute one!"

Laura bit the inside of her cheek, and turned around to face Carmilla.

"Do you know what it means or not, Oh genius girlfriend?"

Carmilla arched an eyebrow and looked down her nose haughtily, still so clearly a countess after all this time. Laura could easily imagine her sat in a drawing room, ordering servants about and wearing fine silk gowns with big poofy skirts. Although a leather jacket and ripped skinny jeans suited her pretty well, too.

"Well if you're going to ask nicely," said Carmilla. "I do, as a matter of fact. It's an Uzbek word."

She must have seen the blank look on Laura's face.

"Uzbekistan? No? Eh, I don't blame you. We're in luck, anyway. This particular word means "sanctuary". "

"Like the Room of Requirement?" Laura blurted out.

Carmilla smiled at her fondly. "Sure, like in your kids' books."

Laura opened her mouth to protest- she had _totally_ seen Carmilla reading them in the bath- but Carmilla was speaking again.

"Of course, it could just be a trap.. Mother was always very fond of those, as I'm sure you remember."

"This suddenly got a little less comforting."

"Keeps things interesting though, doesn't it?"

Laura fidgeted. "I... I do still kinda want to open it."

Carmilla grinned. "That's my girl."

Laura sighed. She knew, on some level, that Carmilla was encouraging her recklessness just to make sure she didn't slip back into the grey place. But the smile on Carmilla's face was infectious, and the affection in her eyes was heartbreaking. The good kind of heartbreaking, though. Laura could probably manage that kind right now.  
She swallowed, and placed her hand on the door knob. It was warm to the touch.

(Her dad's voice rang somewhere in her mind, reminding her that _hot doorknob means fire, Laura._ But her dad wasn't with her, and she didn't know when he would be with her again, so she paid it no heed.) 

For a second, Laura looked over her shoulder to where Carmilla was stood, tense with anticipation but excitement as well. Laura reached out and took her hand, squeezing it tightly. Carmilla nodded. 

Not giving herself time to second guess herself, Laura swung the door open.

All in all, it was pretty anticlimactic.

The room they walked into was, well, beautiful. It seemed to be constructed mostly of marble, bar the bookshelves lining the walls. The high arched ceiling was intricately tiled, and the glowing light they had seen outside seemed to be coming from the tall pillar in the middle of the room. There was a kind of glowing fungus growing on the stone, pulsing softly, illuminating the chaise a few metres away. It made shadows slope off into the corners, and when Laura turned to look at Carmilla she could see her girlfriend's face picked out beautifully by the soft light. For a moment, Laura was speechless.

Then Carmilla's eyes darted off to the side, and she grinned. "Bingo."

She walked over to a table near one of the bookshelves, where a small zipped bag was waiting. Laura threw her a questioning look, and Carmilla replied  
"Bandages, cutie. Nobody looks good with gangrene."

Laura nodded. "Right. You'd think vampire biology would've given you some, I don't know, super-antiseptic spit or something."

Carmilla gestured for her to come over to the table, and hopped up to perch on its edge. Laura walked over and stood between her legs, facing away from her.  
"Just anticoagulants, I'm afraid," Carmilla murmured as she began to unpack the first aid kit next to her. "My apologies."

Laura went to shrug, but then Carmilla's hands held her shoulders and a voice whispered in her ear "Stay."

She swallowed, and suppressed the shiver that tried to ripple through her. She felt Carmilla move her hair over to one side and press something cold against the bite. It stung horribly, and Laura cringed away from it, but Carmilla kissed the top of her head and continued cleaning the wound.

"We've never had to do this _before_ ," Laura whined. Carmilla finished her cleaning, and reached for a square of gauze.

"We've never been in this dusty old library before," said Carmilla. "Believe me, if you could smell the mould that I can..."

Laura grumbled, but helped her hold the gauze in place as it was taped down. 

"When _I'm_ a vampire, I'm gonna invent the first vampire mouthwash. Kills 99.9% of all supernatural mould and germs, folks. Hollis's finest. A snip at just $5..."

She trailed off from her rambling when she notice Carmilla's hands had stilled. Slowly, Laura turned around. Carmilla looked even paler than usual, eyes filled with uncertainty and fear. Laura reached up to take the hands that still hovered around her shoulders.

"Carm? Are you okay, what's wrong?"

Carmilla was gnawing on the inside of her cheek, and her eyes couldn't seem to meet Laura's.

Finally, she muttered " _When_ you're a vampire?"

When Laura had been eight years old, freshly signed up to Krav Maga, she had gone into her first sparring match with grim determination. Unfortunately, the taller kid had swept her off of her feet and slammed her into the ground, making her sick to her stomach and knocking the air from her lungs. The feeling was comparable to how she felt now, except this time there was no one to pick her up afterwards.

She swallowed. "I-I mean... Look, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed, I just thought-"

"What," Carmilla said, her voice barely more than a whisper. "What did you just think."

Laura's eyes were stinging again, but she clenched her jaw and stuck her chin out. "I already told you. I love you. As far as I'm concerned, that's kind of a forever thing..."

Carmilla let go of her hands, and ran her fingers roughly through her hair. She wasn't angry, Laura could see that. She seemed agitated, panicky. Her breathing, normally measured and slow, had picked up, and her feet were swinging a few inches above the floor.

"Carm, if there's something you want to say, just say it. If you don't want me to-"

"I do." Carmilla croaked. "God, Laura, that's the problem, _I do_. I want you forever."

"How is that a problem?"

Carmilla was finally looking her in the face. Her eyes were tortured, and Laura couldn't help but cup Carmilla's face in her hands. Carmilla's eyes closed as she spoke.

"Do you really want _me_? Forever?"

"Of course. Is it really that hard to believe?"

Carmilla shrugged, nuzzling further into Laura's palm. Laura sighed, and kissed her forehead.

"My silly vampire." She murmured. 

Carmilla's insecurity broke her heart. Here was this girl, this beautiful, intelligent, wonderful girl, and she just couldn't understand how anyone could love her. Gently, as though Carmilla might break underneath her, Laura kissed her cheek, trying to convey through this innocent action all of the affection she held in her heart.

Carmilla's lips pressed against her jaw softly, tracing a lazy path up her cheek towards her temple. 

"You're mine." Carmilla whispered, the reverence in her tone making Laura's breath hitch. "You _shall_ be mine. You and I are one forever."

Laura smiled dizzily. That sounded perfect. Her hands moved from Carmilla's face to her hair, drawing her in for a fierce kiss. Their lips moved slowly together at first, but soon Laura was panting into Carmilla's mouth. She knew that, if given the opportunity, she would just stand here and kiss Carmilla forever, savouring the feel of her lips and her hands. Laura decided that she had other plans.

She chose instead to kiss down Carmilla's neck haphazardly, enjoying the sounds of the vampire's gasps. She found where the vampire's pulse point should have been, silent as it was , and sucked hard enough to bruise, knowing full well that in a couple of minutes any marks she made would be gone. It was worth it just for Carmilla's groan, though. 

Gently, she pushed at Carmilla's jacket, slipping it off her shoulders. Carmilla seemed to get the idea, only taking her hands off Laura long enough to discard the jacket bring her back in, tongue tracing Laura's lips. Laura smiled into the kiss. It was cute that Carmilla thought that was as far as she was going.

Abruptly, Laura hooked her hands underneath Carmilla's thighs and picked her up from the table. Many aspects of Carmilla had been increased by her vampirism, but weight had not been one of them. Besides, Laura was very proud of her upper body strength, and being able to pick her girlfriend up and throw her over one shoulder gave her a thrill. She elected not to this time, allowing Carmilla to wrap her legs around her waist as she carried her towards the chaise near the pillar. She set Carmilla down on it, looking at her adoring expression for a moment before straddling her again and starting work on her shirt buttons.

"You're such a top." Carmilla mumbled lazily, doing nothing to help Laura's efforts.

Her job finished, Laura kissed the corner of Carmilla's mouth quickly. "Equal opportunity. Besides, it's your turn."

Carmilla hummed in agreement. It had been a long time since Laura had seen her this relaxed, practically melting beneath Laura's hands. The sight of her so blissed out, shirt unbuttoned and falling open, eyes closed and hair splayed out, sent simmering heat to the bottom of Laura's stomach. This was hers- she got to keep it forever. Laura had never taken herself to be the possessive type, but she would be damned if she let anyone talk this away from her.

The thought only fuelled her passion. She pushed Carmilla's bra roughly up over her breasts, leaning down to catch a smooth nipple in her mouth. Carmilla mewled, and dug her fingernails into Laura's hips. When Laura lashed her tongue against her, Carmilla's voice dropped suddenly into a throaty groan, and Laura repeated the movement, feeling her ego swell at the incoherent noises she was drawing from her girlfriend. She moved to the other side of Carmilla's chest, determined to give it the same treatment. She wanted Carmilla to _know_ that she meant forever, to feel it everywhere. Laura wanted her name to be the only thing on Carmilla's lips, the only thought in her head, so that there wouldn't be even a shadow of a doubt that _they belonged together_. If making her fall apart so hard she passed out was the way to do that, then so be it.

Laura detached herself reluctantly from Carmilla's breasts, kissing them one last time before dragging her tongue down the older girl's stomach. Carmilla's abdominal muscles twitched underneath her, and her breathing had lost any semblance of rhythm. Laura was proud to confirm that Carmilla Karnstein was a mess. And she hadn't even taken off those skinny jeans.

She stood quickly, pulling off Carmilla's combat boots before tugging at her jeans, letting the vampire undo the button hastily before pulling them all the way down to her ankles. When Carmilla had finally kicked them off, Laura knelt down and took hold of her ankles, pulling her down towards her. Carmilla gasped in surprise, and Laura smirked, hooking Carmilla's legs over her shoulders and pressing a chaste kiss to her inner thigh. She felt one of Carmilla's hands grab the back of her head, pulling her desperately to where she was needed. 

She took her time, kissing along Carmilla's thighs up to the edge of her underwear, skipping up to mouth at her hips. At this point, every breath Carmilla took was strained, the hint of a moan lacing every exhale. When Laura heard her curse under her breath, she decided she had teased her long enough.

It only took a few seconds to peel of Carmilla's underwear, but as far as Laura was concerned that was a few seconds too long. Carmilla's shirt was still hanging unbuttoned, her bra still pushed roughly out of the way, and her face was tense with desire, as though if she concentrated hard enough Laura might hurry up.

It felt good, seeing her like this again.

Laura bent down again, and at the first swipe of her tongue she could feel both of Carmilla's hands knot in her hair, thighs clamping down on either side of her head as a broken moan echoed through the softly lit room. Laura hummed her appreciation, which pulled more needy noises from somewhere deep in Carmilla's chest. 

Laura began working in earnest, just savouring the _taste_ , relearning everything she had been deprived of for weeks. Carmilla seemed to approve wholeheartedly- her hips were bucking up to meet Laura's mouth, almost displacing her, but Laura threw an arm across her stomach to hold her down.

Even if Laura's stamina had been affected by the time spent apart, Carmilla's certainly hadn't. She let Laura worship every inch of her, luxuriating in the attention, and Laura was grateful. She loved the noises, as muffled as they were by Carmilla's thighs- the panting of her breath, the high little keening noises when Laura circled her clit, the throatier moans when her tongue dipped inside. Laura felt her own belly tighten, and redoubled her efforts. She lapped ardently, and when Carmilla's voice hit a new pitch, higher and more strained than before, she closed her mouth around her and sucked.

Carmilla shattered.

She cried out incoherently as her body trembled and shook. A few times, Laura could almost make out her name amongst the broken syllables, although it was never fully formed. Laura was greedy enough to want to change that.

Not giving Carmilla a chance, to relax, she slipped two fingers inside of her, stroking upwards until she found the spot that drove her insane. She stroked it firmly, tongue curled around Carmilla's clit, and a few moments later Carmilla was coming again, sobbing with pleasure as her feet dug into Laura's back, her hips pumping desperately under her clever tongue.

"Say my name." Laura whispered.

"L-Laur... Fuck, L-"

"Say it." she growled.

"Laura," The vampire cried out, back arching up off the chaise. "Jesus fuck, Laura, _Laura_..." 

Laura smiled. She let the vampire ride out the orgasm against her face, still licking softly in an effort to help her come down. Even then, it took a while. When Carmilla was finally spent, she fell into an exhausted heap, limbs now splayed out limply.

Laura wiped her mouth on her sleeve quickly, before getting up off her sore knees. She collapsed onto the chaise with Carmilla, head resting on her chest, imagining she heard a heartbeat. The older girl's breathing slowly returned to normal, and she stroked Laura's hair absently. Laura sighed, and snuggled closer.

"Cupcake," Carmilla murmured in a gravelly voice. "as utterly exhausted as I am, I would still appreciate a little less clothing on your part."

Laura grinned. "Preparing for round two already? And here I thought old people had no stamina..."

Carmilla chuckled. "Well, that and your clothes are scratchy."

Laura rolled her eyes, but stood up and stripped down to her underwear before climbing back onto the chaise. Carmilla's arms wrapped around her, and Laura rested her head  
under Carmilla's chin. 

They were quiet.

Of course, as much as she enjoyed the peace, Laura couldn't hold her tongue for long.

"Carm?"

Carmilla hummed a response.

"Carm, will you promise me something?"

"What, haven't we done enough soul-searching yet?"

Laura rolled her eyes. Carmilla was a huge romantic, but getting her to accept it, let alone admit it, was like trying to herd cats.

"I'm serious, Carmilla."

Carmilla sighed. "Of course you are. What do you want me to promise?"

"I want..." Laura swallowed, suddenly glad she wasn't looking Carmilla in the face. It was easier to keep her head clear like this. "I want you to promise me that after we've gotten out of here-when we get back on campus- that we'll try and find out what's wrong. We'll try and find out what's wrong, and we'll try and fix it, but if we can't... Carm, if there's any possibility that one of us might get hurt, _I want us to run away_."

Carmilla's hand stilled in her hair. Laura held her breath.

"I thought you said that wouldn't be us." Carmilla whispered.

"I know," Laura said. "I know that I said that. But we've changed. We've both changed so much, and it's made me realise that none of this stuff matters, not if I can't come home to you at the end of the day. None of the investigation or the mysteries or the weird occult universities- none of them are as important to you."

Carmilla's breathing was unsteady, and Laura was ninety percent sure she was crying. Her theory was proved right when Carmilla spoke, and her voice uncharacteristically vulnerable.

"So we'll... just run away."

Laura pressed a kiss just above her collarbone. "Mhm. Wherever you want."

"I mean, Vienna would be a good start," Carmilla mused. " then Berlin and Paris, oh, there's a beautiful little restaurant I want to show you, right by the river, you'll love it-"

Laura grinned as Carmilla's excitement grew, listening to her enthusiastically planning out their journey. Above them, she was sure there were wars being waged and monsters brought back from the dead, but she was far more concerned with the way Carmilla gushed about Venice, and Athens, and Rome. She traced the slope of Carmilla's shoulder idly, occasionally adding in her own requests to visit London, or New York. Everything, Laura decided, could be condensed down into the simple fact that Carmilla and her were together. Right now, that was the centre of her universe. It was all she cared about.

The world could look after itself for a while.


End file.
